The energy of Kundalini can feel subtle, almost undetectable, or it can plough through you like a raging beast, licking and biting, leaving no corner untouched. The latter is how it started for me, a whirlwind of intensity that left me ragged, raw and forever changed.
Have you felt a stirring, unusual warmth or surges of feeling that fill you with fear or wonder? Maybe my story can shed a little light for you.
Even though the Kundalini fire didn’t rage until my late twenties, I look back now and can clearly see that the sparks were flying from the beginning….
I was a deep thinking child, painfully aware and determined to be heard so in that day and age it was no surprise I grew into a frustrated teenager! Angst and energy swirled within me, an enormous need to express myself but with no obvious outlet.
I played teenager games of rebellion, finding a kind of identity in that and became pregnant with twins at 16. I was SO excited, my parents weren’t too happy, but still, for me it was AWESOME to think there were two little humans swimming around in my belly.
Time passed with relationships, life experience and the intriguing discovering of ‘new age’ philosophies, leading me to question everything from an entirely new perspective.
Then in a comfortable marriage with five children under the age of 11 and pregnant with the sixth I found myself deeply unhappy. I had already spent a few years playing around with meditation and Reiki, making strong intentions for spiritual awareness and happiness on a daily basis. I think it was due to these intentions that I became aware of how sad and dissatisfied I was, in fact, had always been.
After the birth of my sixth child and first daughter I spiraled into depression. I kept a happy demeanour for those around, but as soon as I was alone I’d cry and cry. I developed anxiety; I couldn’t eat anything that had preservatives, couldn’t take in any type of stimulant. My body awareness lifted to such a degree that I could hear my heart beating all the time, the blood rushing through my veins and the endocrine system squirting out hormones.
It was horrifying.
I couldn’t be alone any more at all because the anxiety would start. This developed into a type of night terror. Lying in bed, my body would start shaking uncontrollably; I couldn’t close my eyes because if I did I’d see the most grotesque face coming closer and closer. I would get up to wee and it would be like Niagara Falls (I mention this as it was part of what I now see as massive cleansing of toxins and fears that were arising from my unconscious).
This went on for weeks, and, as you might imagine, it really messed with my life. The only things that kept me on the Earth were my children and my art.
One day, a dear friend mentioned the concept of a ‘shadow self’ and suggested that I see the grotesque face behind my eyes in this way and, instead of opening my eyes in avoidance, I embrace it and allow it to come closer to me….
‘Okay’, I whispered.
My tired mind was willing to give it a go. So, that night when the shaking began I fearfully closed my eyes and there he was, so ugly, so terrifying.
I resisted opening my eyes and tried to breathe, as I stared at this face (with my eyes shut!). I felt sick, my legs started screaming…the only way to describe the emotional torture I was feeling—maybe they were screaming with the need to get away from this devil. But, I persisted. The face came closer and closer, and he turned into a swirling tunnel of deathly white corpses, trying to suck me in. He appeared again, and I found myself meeting him. Then, as I allowed him to come into my face he dissolved instantly.
It was such a relief to realise it was gone; little did I know, though, that the story had only just begun.
A short time after that, I began having what I call ‘rushes of energy’. I’d be relaxing or in a meditative state when energy would build and seem to PUSH up through my body. I didn’t like the feeling; it consistently brought up fear for me. Each time it happened it would be a little stronger and a little longer than before.
Until one particular night it began in earnest.
I hadn’t done anything unusual. I was simply lying in bed, consciously relaxing my body. The feeling pushed up through my cells, rising to a pressure in my head; the energy gained momentum—and my head was filling with it, more and more, bigger and so powerful!
I was intensely frightened, but at the same time I had a sense that this was part of a benevolent plan.
The energy continued to rush like a volcano until I had a thought: ‘My head’s going to explode!’ I truly felt like I would die—and then I heard a voice that said, ‘That’s all she can handle,’ and the energy disappeared suddenly. It sounded like my voice, but at the same time I knew it wasn’t.
I was left wishing I had been able to handle more!
The following night the same thing happened. I responded with the same fear, but I think I allowed myself to let go a little more because as it came to the part where I thought my head was going to burst, suddenly there was a release of beautiful proportions. For a millisecond I heard the music of the universe or I was the music of the universe; it was a harmonious, vibratory rumbling!
It SOUNDED like a stadium of friendly voices, but it FELT like a choir of angels.
What I learned from that music was unsayable. I knew that time was an illusion, that body was spirit, that there is so much more—and we are magnificent.
I do believe that it was an enlightenment experience that served to flush my system and open the doors of my mind.
My life, since, has been different, so much more beautiful. My love for humanity has grown. My understanding of connection and compassion has deepened remarkably, and my artwork is now driven by the energy of connection and universal music.
I haven’t gone to enlightenment school, yet I seem to keep opening to further knowledge. I don’t think I was able to handle the full experience in one go as some do. The voice that was God, that was me, was right!
But I COULD allow the doors to open and the music of the Universe to come trickling in. The MOST awesome thing I took from this was that we are ALL, literally, ONE being.
The truth I have found is that although the energy can be confronting, the more we practise non-resistance the easier and more fulfilling it gets.
There is such beauty and relief to be found in the surrender necessary to survive Kundalini that, moment by moment, in the safety of the NOW, I do all I can to encourage it.
Feel free to connect with me if you are having a similar experience and need some emotional support. Kundalini awakening is a wild time, but it is absolutely worth it and it can be addressed from the perspective of fascination and joy.