(Prose) Personal Power and Aging by Deanne Quarrie

It is a sad fact that we live in a society that no longer honors its elders. It is rare to see a young person stand when an elder walks into the room, let alone offer a chair. We have all heard about becoming invisible when our hair turns gray. That one used to be a puzzle until it happened to me and I learned that it is true.

When I was growing up, we never addressed adults by their first names – even when they were relatives. We always used terms to honor their role in our lives such as Aunt this or Uncle that. It just wasn’t done. In the South a first name preceded by Miss, i.e. Miss Deanne. I am sure this must sound silly in this day and age. It was about honor and respect – every day reminders that when we were in the company of someone older and more experienced than us, a certain amount of honor and respect was due.

I have heard many times from people today, especially those generations younger than mine, that there is no reason to offer respect. I cringe when I hear that. Call me old fashioned!

We throw our aging parents and grandparents into nursing homes, even when there is money available for home care and outside help. Such an inconvenience! Even worse, when we do put them there, we fail to visit. I am guessing that discomfort may be the cause because we are not comfortable with aging and death.

Let’s look at what happens as we age. We lose a lot of our physical presence due body breakdown, illness and lack of muscle strength. This has an effect on our sense of self – who we are in the world. It affects our energetic presence as well.

Older people live on smaller incomes, many at poverty levels because Social Security is the only retirement plan they ever had available to them. Many have lost their jobs, either because companies could hire younger workers for less money or because physically, they could no longer work in the same capacity as before. This loss of income forces many from their homes, no longer having the same comforts to provide a sense of “home.” Our society is so based on money and what it buys. Money is power. This further takes away from their healthy sense of self and the energetic presence of who they once were.

My ex-husband once said to me that I could have prevented being faced with poverty in my old age. They assumed that somehow as a single mother raising our three children alone on a small income, I could have somehow provided better for my old age; that I might even have something to save!

We can ease this fear and distress our beloved elders but it requires love and compassion from family and friends. Adult children need to find time in their busy lives to check in and spend time with an older parent on a regular basis. As parents themselves, they can encourage their own children to do the same for their grandparents. They can advocate for them – stand up for them and help them when having to work with the system in getting the help they need. When family members do not love and honor and yes, respect their elders, this is the last and final blow, crippling an elder and removing what little power they have left. Feeling alone to cope – alone to grapple with all the issues faced as a senior. Fear becomes their companion because they feel powerless and without help.

I just turned 76 this year. Not so old! People tell me that I have the energy and mental alertness of a woman much younger. I know this to be true. Being a feminist and a Goddess woman has helped me through much of the aging process. I know that my physical ability does not determine my worth. It isn’t based on the size of my waist or whether I can climb mountains. I never had a lot of money but I worked hard to provide for my children and for myself. I was only able to provide for the moment, however, not for my later years. From personal experience, I can tell you it is difficult to adjust to not having money.

It is a hard task adjusting to very little income. I have never had a lot but I was always able to earn enough to support myself and my children when they needed me. The realities that an aging senior has to face become incredibly disheartening when loved ones do not recognize the needs of their elder and do not show their love and compassion on a regular basis. This becomes the death dealing blow.

I am in that crazy place of having too much income ($1000 a month after I pay for my health insurance) to receive any assistance but not really enough to maintain a private home for myself without assistance. With aging and a job market that brands one too old to hire, feelings of worthlessness erupt! In a poor job market when the unemployed far outnumber the jobs available – they go to the most physically able and the youngest.

What happened to intelligence, wisdom and experience? Because I know the value of positive “self-talk” I continue to send messages to myself that society fails to send – that I am worthy regardless of how much or how little I have in the way of monetary worth. Having or not having gainful employment does not determine my value.

Becoming invisible is actually a fun challenge because as a feminist I refuse to be invisible. I am the old lady who boldly steps up and claims, “I was here first.” Sometimes when it really isn’t the sales person’s fault, I soften it a bit and say to the other person “I was here first but hey – if you have an immediate urgency, please go before me!” I have even been known to ask if I need to dye my hair to be waited on, or if I am of the wrong gender to deserve good customer service? Once I even commented “Oh sorry, I forgot to remove my invisibility cloak.” That really got them!

Somewhere along the way in my adapting to lack of money, I realized that I no longer wish to have an employer. I love that I can devote all of my time to my spiritual work. I spend hours every day volunteering my time to others. There are great benefits in providing service but there is that little niggling thought that comes now and then that says, “how wonderful it would be to be paid with hard earned cash for my work” because in the end, one needs cash to live. I do let it be known that donations are welcome for the services I offer and am grateful when it happens. Every little bit helps.

I have also taken up walking with my dog, Calhoun, and each day I find ways to remind myself that I have value. And even more important I am learning how to ask for help when I need it and not feel guilty. Before governmental agencies can offer help, you have to either have nothing (not even a little) or be totally disabled before there is help available. For example, I am dependent on bus transportation to get anywhere. I have nerve damage stemming from a back injury and surgical procedures. I am however, not eligible for any special assistance. Bus transportation where I live leaves a lot to be desired, but I am learning. I am at the point now when each trip is an adventure!
I have recently qualified for government subsidized housing and have moved into my own one bedroom apartment. I am thrilled. I now have a safe, clean and affordable home on a good bus line.

Personally, I believe I have had an advantage in my personal struggles. I have faith in myself. I know that I have faced every challenge life has sent me and come out a winner. It is with that awareness that I deal head-on with the realities of aging. I am a magical practitioner – I know that what I decide to do – I can do! It has always been so!

For those who do not have that trust and mindset, and even for those of us who do – families need to be aware of their elder’s needs; healthy food, transportation, human touch, small gifts of appreciation providing some of the things in life that bring comfort. And finally, a voice in their own lives as to how they wish to live and die. All of this means that we need to slow down. We need to make time in our lives to care; time in our lives to make our elders’ last years a time when they feel loved and appreciated for all that they gave and for who they are, our beloved elders.

Meet Mago contributor, Deanne Quarrie