(Prose) Friendship by Deanne Quarrie

Many years ago I read the book, Soul Mates, Honoring the Mystery of Love and Relationship, by Thomas Moore. I was incredibly impacted by what Thomas Moore discussed in this book.  Prior to reading it I knew that in order for relationships to remain healthy they required attention paid to them but I had never seen it described as he did in this book.  He says that all of our relationships have a “soul” and that the soul of every relationship requires nurturing for the relationship to remain healthy.  Understanding this is an absolute requirement if we want the relationships we have to be healthy.

I have come to realize, in my old age, that I am not an expert on relationships.  Sadly, it is not one of my strong suits. There are some who would so lovingly disagree with my statement but then there are those who would jump on it with a vengeance in their agreement!  Mostly I believe that long lasting, quality relationships have been elusive for me because of the nomadic life I lead.  Also, I have a tendency to see potential in people – I see possibility but sadly, quite often fail to see what is “real” and enter into relationships with unhealthy people.  To be honest, I haven’t quite figured it all out yet! The result is, however, that the relationships I do have are precious to me.

I have often found myself in one-sided relationships. I am talking about friendships here – not romance. Somehow I invested far more than the other person or perhaps cared more or maybe needed it more and therefore “fed” the relationship more.  I found that if we connected at all, it was always me that called, me that wanted to make plans.  There comes a point when that is happening and it has been happening for a long time, it becomes painful to be in the relationship. When I did see it happening I would always try to discuss it but somehow never found understanding with the other person or a way to change the dynamics.  At that point the relationship would change and I stopped feeding it.  Without my continued support the friendship faded away. We see it in romantic relationships and we chalk it up to one loving more than the other and that too, is painful.  After I became aware of the pattern in how I formed friendships, I slowed down the process, trying to take note of the give and take and if balance was present before diving headlong into what would once more turn out one-sided.

So what does Thomas Moore mean when he says that the soul of a relationship must be nurtured? What are the things we do when we care about someone?  We check in on them on a regular basis.  We try to get together when time permits.  We let them know how we value our relationship with words and actions.  We let them know on a regular basis, that we care.  We do nice things for them and accept nice things from them.  Our actions, our words, our behaviors all say, “I care about you.”

In a romantic relationship, when these things stop we feel taken advantage of but how do we deal with it when it as a sibling, a child, a parent or friend?  Do these too, not need nurturing in order to stay healthy? Absolutely!  This is where the phrase, “love is an action verb” comes in.  If we do not say, do not behave toward another in ways that say, “You matter to me” how is that relationship going to survive?  I found this quote in my email today, “Love is not just a feeling, but a verb. It’s something we do, a bit of spiritual theater we enact through actions large and small.” (Mooncircles)

Most people, when something like this is called to their attention, will say it is all from being too busy, that there simply is no time in their lives.  There may be truth in that but I also see it as a matter of priorities.  If a friend is at the bottom of our “to do” list – just how important is that friend?  If an aging parent never hears from her grown children, or if one never gets a phone call from a sibling, I have to ask, does love even exist? Perhaps it is only a sense of obligation and not love at all. I don’t know.

I do know that when I have loved, it has been fiercely.  When I find a friend, they really matter to me.  If I still had a sibling to stay connected to, I would be thrilled. How blessed I would feel to have had the privilege of seeing my parents grow old.  What a sense of loss I feel when I think about not having had that experience – losing them when they were still young.  When I don’t hear from my own children for months on end or when they fail to display loving behavior, I have been known to say “whose children are these?”

I often wonder if it isn’t this new social media experience we are involved in when friendships are made which a click of the mouse, where details of private lives are posted, mean and ugly comments and when people convolute what others say.  It is so easy because hey, who will bother to scroll way down to see what was really said, anyway? Are these “friends” taking the place of real friendships? And if we are simply too busy to keep up with our friends, why have we let that happen, and when did we stop needing friends?

The only thing I do know for certain is that I need my friends.  Family matters to me and I am sad when I don’t hear from them, but I cannot live without friends. I cannot live without the deep connection that true friendship brings to my life. My friends are my chosen family. The love that comes from a good friend supports me emotionally and brings immense value to my life. I hope I am the kind of friend who gives that as well. In the end – what we share with those we care about is really all that matters in life – all that matters in the end.

Meet Mago Contributor, Deanne Quarrie