Learn to be Direct
Most girls are taught under patriarchy to submit to male authority to some extent. Having raised male and female children, I can tell you this is still true.
I am actively working with my 12-year-old daughter to ask directly for what she wants. Even being raised mostly under my feminist framework, I find this is often difficult for her. (Not so for my son or stepsons.)
When I see my daughter waffling, I stop her and ask her to pause. What do you really want right now? Ask for that.
Whenever possible, I try to give her what she asks for to establish a positive identification with being direct.
Many women become passive-aggressive because they resent being forced into passivity—and aggression (or even assertiveness) is not acceptable for females. So, changing this mindset is not easy—especially if you have spent your entire life following this pattern.
Start small. What do you want for dinner? How do you want to spend your evening? State your desires and see how it feels. Unless your partner is totally self-absorbed, s/he will appreciate it when you assert yourself. At times, I have felt ‘too bitchy’ with my husband, who I am very direct with. He assures me that he loves it—because he never has to guess with me. He knows where he stands at all times and that I am there—present, in the moment, and doing something I actually want to do.
Learn how to say no. Oftentimes this takes practice and trial and error for women. If you find yourself committing to do something that you really don’t want to do, stop and pause for a minute. Ask yourself why you are doing it—and give yourself more time to make a decision. And, remember—you always have the right to change your mind. You can go back and tell the other person that you are learning how to take better care of yourself and made the wrong decision in haste.
This can also be done in the workplace. When I was a mortgage broker, we had mandatory weekly meetings that I dreaded. Every week I dutifully attended the meeting and complained about it later. I finally realized that the meetings were unproductive and a waste of my time—which was limited as a single mother with two young children. So, I told my boss I would not go anymore. He wanted to keep me employed with his company, so he agreed I could skip them. No one else could believe I got out of attending, and would ask in amazement, how did you do that?
I just asked.
If you don’t ask, you don’t get.
The answer may not always be the one you want, but you have nothing to lose by trying.
When we begin to recognize our worth, we also realize that people are often willing to meet our needs when we are direct about them.
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(Meet Mago Contributor) Trista Hendren.