[Editor’s Note: This piece was presented during the first and inaugural S/HE Divine Studies Forum held on September 7th, 2024.]
INTRODUCTION
For too long the staid rules about what attachment is and is not have been the go-to diagnostics for psychologists. The securely attached-poorly attached spectrum is considered an absolute science. In truth, hegemonic attachment theory negates, ignores and discounts both indigenous and matriversal worldviews. This excludes those of us who commune with the more than human world, those who saw through our parents’ dysfunction and made the wise choice not to bond with them, those born with innate attachment to the Universal Mother, and those who are securely attached to the natural world.
With all due respect to those who dedicated themselves to the scientific method and spent years researching, documenting and writing their hypotheses, their perceptions were far from the highly touted and thoroughly elusive objectivity they proffer. Their vision was based on patriarchal, colonized, western standards that had already distorted development. The environments in which their research was conducted was already contaminated.
In this paper I posit a refreshing new understanding of bonding and attachment. When I explored this in a program with therapists last year, the result was exhilaration. Please share how this lands with you.
DEFROSTING PATRIARCHAL RIGIDITY ABOUT ATTACHMENT AND RECLAIMING YOUR HEALTH
I have lived most of my life with the certainty that I was poorly attached. How could it be otherwise, I wondered, particularly after I became a neuropsychologist. In the literature I read by every highly respected author, from Winnicott to Mate, from Mahler to Schore, it was unquestionable that, given the violence in my home, given the sexual abuse and dysfunction of my family, I had to be poorly attached. That was certainly what was wrong with me. This was why I struggled with relationships. This was why I had so much difficulty with confidence. The grief of how I was so marked by my family’s dysfunction was endless. It was a bottomless well.
It is only recently that I pierced the lie of this assumption and its colonial, patriarchal underpinnings. It has become crystal clear to me that, in fact, the opposite is true. I am amazingly, brilliantly attached and bonded to what really matters– which is, the natural world, creativity, and my lineage. Not only that, I am incredibly resilient in adapting that attachment, those bonds and connections, to a variety of ecosystems and communities. It is not case dependent. It is within me and inseparable from me. Indeed, I have been powerfully and securely attached from the moment I took form. This is a Matriversal understanding. It comes from the standpoint of being akin to the natural world. It is also the perspective of an embryologist who understands human development from the beginning of life.
I attribute this awakening, in part, to my time in Aotearoa with people like Rangatira Maata
Wharehoka and her family. They did not impart the awareness directly. It grew as a by-product of my time with them and my capacity to track what was being aroused in me as a result of being in that environment and with the Māori people.
The indigenous world view that Maata and her family embody communicated itself in daily actions, not in lectures, discourse or books. This is matriversal education. As I harvested flax with them for weaving, ate with them, laughed and cried with them, something that had always been with me surfaced from where it was buried under the misogynistic, elitist psychology required for mental health professionals. The ease with which Kuia (Elder) Maata could shed what was untrue reminded me of what was natural to me, but what I had been taught to be ashamed of or suppress. She inspired me to prioritize my own experience over the dictates of academia, which is, for the most part, disembodied. Maata had no need to pamper or indulge anything untrue.
What surfaced as a result of this communion with Maata and others at the epic Parihaka marae in Taranaki, was me, the real me, the one who had always been deeply connected to everything and everyone. It is actually because of my deeply connected, compassionate awareness that I am able to develop my creativity and my intelligence, even when my ideas are not necessarily popular, and even if they are ridiculed. Nothing stops Maata from voicing her truth because her sense of herself is too deeply rooted. She knows that her tupuna (ancestors) have her back. She mirrored this for me, and the reflection stuck.
I had previously been convinced that I was an outcast, an oddity, but this, I discovered, was imposed upon me. It did not arise from within me. It had never been true. That became clear to me at Parihaka, in the company of Maata Wharehoka. I cannot over-emphasize the magnitude of the about-face that comes with the somatic realization of belonging. I was never outcast. No one is. I am welcomed in by the universe, celebrated, desired and loved. The somatic certainty of this changed everything.
I have always been deeply bonded with the spirit world, though I had no language for claiming that before. In Maata’s environment, the spirit world sits down for kai(food) along with everyone else. It was that unerasable, sustaining bond that was a natural part of everyday, practical activity that came home to me. I saw that I had always had this bond and that it had allowed me to transcend the cruelty and chaos of a family home riddled with unresolved trauma. Maata and her family have worked hard to reclaim their language and their tikanga (practices), often adapting them to current conditions, with great success, like Kahu Whakatere, the practices for death, dying and burial. This is a teaching for the world.
Even in a third story tenement walk-up in the Bronx where I was born, I had access to the natural world. I was a star gazer. The night sky was my land. The constellations and the planets, the wind and the clouds, were my friends. I was not escaping. I was bonding and attaching to my kin, and I was smart enough to keep that private. I know this is true in my flesh, in my very cells, which most academics do not see as validation of knowledge. Thanks to Maata’s modeling, I no longer care what academics or anyone think about what I know to be true.
I was taught to discount myself by a system that is unconscious of indigenous ways of knowing. For that patriarchal, colonial system, inner knowing, particularly when it is does not accord with patterns documented in texts and diagnostic manuals, is silenced and often judged as pathology. I can remember, distinctly, when a noted trauma authority who I was working closely with responded to my comment that the trauma in my life began in utero by shaking his head in disbelief, and redirecting the conversation. I was domesticated to obediently go along with that. Until now.
Embracing the truth that I have always harbored an unquestionable sense of belonging, that I am united with the natural world in ways that allow me to merge with it, has changed everything for me.
Maata and other indigenous people have survived because of this knowing. So have I.
(To be Continued)