Watching the rain fall
Pouring down on the windshield
My day is not over, and it just has gotten worse
The week started with a joke about getting a new job as a game warden
And then yesterday happened
And it wasn’t a joke.
Everything’s crashing down, so much extra work
I get told to do more while my resources are cut in half
A friend said they want my job when I leave
I asked if they thought I would quit
They said yes
I have that look.
That look they’ve seen before
The dead eyes of people who keep working
When they have nothing left to give
Sitting in the car in the rain
Waiting for the pick-up.
Watching the little drops of water collect on the windshield
One drop hits another, then another, before it becomes a stream going down
Letting that wash over me
The healing, soothing rain of the mother
The rat tat on the window and the car frame.
Mother take it
Just take that negative energy, take that pain
Take that desperation and despair and hopelessness
Just let it wash away.
I can’t be outside but I can become refreshed by the rain
By looking at still green grass, at a pine tree
By watching a bird fluff itself to keep warm.
Mother just take it
Just take the stress, take everything
Wash it all away
Leave me feeling like I can do this again
As I get back to work.
Midway through last week, the state department which oversees my program’s grant made a decision that essentially doubled part of my workload. In a few hours, all our plans for the summer program were altered and I felt completely dead. I’d been working so hard to build my program and make it work. I balanced the educational requirements with our desire to give the students an enjoyable experience.
As I sat having a panic attack/breakdown, I watched the rainstorm happening outside the van. I pictured the stress, and the negative feelings, and my anger washing away as I watched water droplets hit, collect, then stream down the windshield. A feeling of peace washed over me and I was able to get through the day, teach my students, and get home.
Sometimes we can’t do a full ritual or cleansing, was have only a few moments to gather ourselves before we need to get back to work. But, sometimes those few moments are all that we need, to ask for a little help to control ourselves and our emotions so we can get home safe.